


No More Bad Days

by PhxbicHood



Series: Song Fics [2]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Ashton and Michael play a very small role, Calum is so sad, Cutting, Death, Depressed Calum, Depression, Hospitals, I wrote this in a funk I am so sorry!, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Maybe fluff, Memories, Sad, Sad Luke, Self-Harm, cake hoodings, maybe smut, trigger warnings!!, very dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-10
Updated: 2015-08-10
Packaged: 2018-04-14 00:23:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4543098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhxbicHood/pseuds/PhxbicHood
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Luke Hemmings never left but finally Calum did.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>or where Calum is very depressed and can't think straight with all this guilt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No More Bad Days

**Author's Note:**

> Serious trigger warnings for this story guys!!
> 
> I wrote this while I am in a funk at the moment and for some reason to keep myself from doing things, I have to write about it instead so if you like really depressing things then go right ahead and read this. Also there is a little smut in this, not really that much, it's mostly implied because I suck at writing it heh. If you read Stray Hearts you would know lol.
> 
> Anyway finally a new one shot!
> 
> ~Ash

Resilience is my promise  
I'll never give up on us  
Just lift your head up higher  
I'll be here when you're tired  
And need some peace  
Just get some sleep  
~ No More Bad Days (This Wild Life)

Drip Drip Drip…

Calum sat with his back to the door. Sitting in the bathroom, watching blood drop to the floor. Scars blooming on his arm, fingers smudged with blood. The razor in his hand wobbled as he fought to keep his breath steady. He didn’t need anyone finding out that he was cutting again. It would just get worse for them all. He was depressed, and he knew that, but he’d rather them not worry about him. He wanted them to get on with their lives and forget about him. Most importantly Luke. 

Luke with his beautiful blue eyes, blonde hair that curled when it got too long, and legs that went on for days. His smile could end wars and his laugh could kill everyone if he tried. He was the love of Calum’s life and there was nothing he could do about it. Tears blurred his vision, or maybe it was the blood loss. He heard shuffling coming from in the bedroom where the bathroom he was in was connected to. He held still, waiting for Luke to come rushing in, panicked but he never did. He put his ear against the door, listening for any sounds coming from the bedroom but all he heard was slow breathing coming from the other side. He let out a sigh he hadn’t realized he’d been holding until then. If Luke woke up, he would never be able to forgive himself. He needed to hurry, that way he couldn’t second guess himself.

He’d thought about death plenty of times. Had gone through the past year of his life hidden in that shroud. Wondering what would happen when he left, if anyone would actually care. Sometimes he wrote songs. About death. It seemed better, sweet release, from this fragmented world. Fragmented world full of hate, disgust, all things vile. He’d walked this earth in a cloud of darkness, blind to how everything really was out there. Now he lived it. He wasn’t blind anymore, but hell did he wish he were. This constant lack of energy, walking around in a void of nothing, trying to get a ruse from something as simple as self-mutilating. He couldn’t feel anymore, he couldn’t feel anything but regret for bringing those who said they loved him, down. He was a fuck up, dead eyes, ruining everything with a single glance. The only thing left for him to do was take that last plummet into hell. He felt like finally something would happen, maybe everyone could be happy again. Maybe he could feel something other than regret. 

The blood from his cuts had travelled down the shirt he had been wearing staining it crimson, where he clutched to his wrist for dear life. It was his last anchor to this world after all. How he planned to go out. No big bang or letter. Just simply letting the liquid drain from his body. There were no tears in his eyes. He had realized long ago that those had dried out and left him, just like everything else he longed for. 

The thoughts in his head scratched their dirty claws like beasts. He hated it. Hated the constant loudness ringing through the silence, only he could hear. Would never speak them aloud. He wanted it to stop and maybe it would finally stop when he fell to the ground. Lifeless. They weren’t you’re normal thoughts running through a suicidal boy’s brain. No. They were hopeful, wishing someone would reach their hand out and actually help the boy. Help Me. Over and over again. He couldn’t take it anymore.

With one last staggered breath, like he’d been crying for a long time, he fell like deadweight against the door. Rendering himself unconscious and waking a seemingly peaceful Luke from his slumber. Causing a whirlwind of panic.

***  
Calum was floating. Not flying, nor levitating. Just floating. To be flying he would need air and the sky, but he was nowhere and yet everywhere at once. It was black, a world full of nothing. No sounds, no feelings, no images. Just nothing. 

“Peaceful.” He dare think. Though it wasn’t long before images resurfaced, playing like a movie on a screen. Sounds became vivid again and with the images came the emotions. His whole life flashed before his eyes. He wondered if everyone was right when they say you are about to die and you see your life. You see everything you weren’t and could have become. It made him cringe. He didn’t want to relive everything. That was why he gave up on himself. That’s when he started to think that this was hell. Of course he wouldn’t get to go to heaven. He’d ruined too many lives, caused too many tears. He wasn’t good enough for that place, so he had to deal with everlasting torture in this void of nothingness. While being glued to a movie screen watching the absolute shit he had done. It wasn’t fair.

“But so is taking your life.” A voice echoed like a whisper throughout his quiet. 

“I did it to help everyone.” He faltered. Why couldn’t anyone see that? His personal movie froze on one clip. 

Luke.

“You did it because you could. Not to help us.” Came the voice again and yeah Calum realized now that it was this Luke on the frame speaking. Even if he wasn’t moving his lips he memorized that voice. Would know who it was in a heartbeat. Luke was…is…his mind, body, and soul. 

“Yes I did! I did it because loving me is a chore!” He screamed. This was not how he had expected hell to be. Sure it was haunting and dark, but Luke pep talking him was not what he had in mind. He couldn’t deal with Luke there all the time. It was too much.

“Loving you comes easier than melting butter on a summer day.” Luke’s voice rang out. Then the frame picked up again and there Luke was, smiling so softly as he leaned down to press a kiss to Calum’s chapped lips. He remembered that day. It was the best time of his life. The first time they as a couple made love. He was watching it as if he were outside of his body now, floating over the scene in front of him like he were never there to begin with.

“I’ll always be here Calum.” Luke from the memory spoke out. Though he looked slightly worn at the edges, he would do anything in his power to remind Calum that he would be there forever. “I’m not going to leave you. Whenever you need me I will be there.”

“I’m just so tired of fighting.” Calum had whimpered out. Fresh tears blossoming in his eyes. This was a year before everything had gotten worse, before he couldn’t be bothered to breathe anymore. His depression had started then too, but they were trying to get him help. Luke and their two friends, Ashton and Michael. “So tired.”

“I know baby. I am too, but we have to keep our heads up.” He had smiled, though wobbly at the state his lover was in. They laid on that bed chest to naked chest for a few moments in silence. Calum trying to reign in his tears and Luke trying to find the courage to say the things that needed to be said. He knew he had to be strong for Calum but at the time Calum had been so sure he was ready to walk out on him. Yet looking down on the memory like that, he realized that the love they felt for each other hadn’t flown out the window like his courage to keep moving on. This memory was around the time he had first started showing signs of depression. It wasn’t too bad yet and he hadn’t started self-mutilating yet, but it was getting to that point. 

The Calum from the memory sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and putting his head in his hands. Luke perked up, asking him why he was leaving when they didn’t do anything yet. Then his hands were sliding down his bare chest and his lips were leaving open mouthed kissed along his neck and to his jawline. Calum physically shivered, leaning into the comforting feeling. He was tracing his fingers along the tattoo on his collar bone. 

‘This is it.’ He thought. ‘This is where Luke pulls me back.’ 

Except he didn’t.

Sure he could fool himself into thinking that the love they shared could fix him, but it was much worse than that. He kept spiraling out of control. He almost hurt Luke a few times during fits of rage.

“And yet I stayed.” The voice called out. Calum hadn’t realized that the memory had went away, maybe because he had wished so hard for it to just go away. He wanted to forget it ever happened. “I stayed when you first got diagnosed with severe depression, I stayed when things got tough and you started cutting, I stayed when you hit me. I stayed because I love you Calum and you left. How fair is that?”

“I-I” He didn’t know how to answer that because Luke was right.

“How fair is it for me to put everything on the line to help you?” He shouted. Calum could see a pinprick of light in the far off distance, filling his body with dread. Oh God, what had he done? He didn’t want to leave now. Not when Luke was shouting at him.

“I-I know Luke. I am so sorry.” He found himself blubbering.

“I was there from the beginning, I stayed till the fucking end.” With every sentence the light got closer and Calum found himself in a worse and worse panic. His breathing was labored, eyes shut tight, these were his final moments. He was done.

“I woke up and found you bathing in a pool of your own blood, pale and barely breathing. I stayed.” It felt like a whirlwind around him. He wasn’t ready, but he had to face his consequences. 

It was done.

Calum was surrounded by blinding white light, causing him to clamp his eyes shut tight. Then all too soon, there was silence and a firm grip on his hand. He opened his eyes for a few seconds, only to shut them immediately because of the blinding white. There was a rustling sound next to him and his ears perked at the sound. Soft whimpers escaped that of the person he expected to find holding his hand with a death grip. Then he realized.

He wasn’t dead. 

He was in a hospital. The soft beep beep beep of the heart monitor picked up his newly beating heart. He stayed.

Then he opened his eyes again, the first thing his brown eyes came in contact with were two orbs of blue.

“I stayed.”

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so no smut but it is implied. I felt like it would take away from the overall feel of the story if I put it in.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoyed this! I think I did a really good job writing it, I don't know. 
> 
> Please comment kudos and bookmark <3 
> 
> ~Ash


End file.
